Saranghae! Aishiteru! 我爱你！
Basics Of Writing:
Title - 2PM Goes American 4/5
The title is quite simple and very original but it could be interpreted in different ways.
ex. When I first saw it on the updates page, I thought that it meant that 2PM was going to debut in the USA)
That fact could work both ways, either attract or repel people. Although judging by the number of subscribers you have, it has mostly attracted people's attention.
Description - 4/5
The description is well done and describes the basic idea of the story.
But some of the things confused me like when you wrote that they were leaping back into the variety world.
I was confused because after Jay left, they still appeared on shows like Star Golden Bell and Oh My School!/100 Points Out of 100.
In the part where you say,
"..They'll be hosting an Asian-American singer for two months.",
it could be
they'll be hosting a show with an Asian-American singer for two months.
Other than that, I await to see when they will be actually hurt from the lies because I haven't noticed something that could warrant saying that in the description yet.
Foreword - ---/5
It's good that you put the warning and credits in! But I won't be counting this part in the final score.
Plot-line - 13/15
The plot-line is very well done, especially from the technical side of things.
The story is well-planned, has enough of a fictional substance and deep thinking but is still kept very realistic. I particularly liked that you were able to include ALL the 2PM members instead of focusing simply on the OC. Although, it would make sense that you put a little more of Junsu because you wrote that the OC likes him quite a bit, but he hasn't appeared much at all so far.
It would make sense that you add some idols or comedians from other groups, etc because the initial reason for the OC going to Korea was to promote herself in Asian countries but if you just have her on one show, it's not enough to show that she's actually promoting. Also, it would normally make sense if she had even more interaction with other idols like the Foreigners' Picnic but off-camera or something of the like.
It was really great that you were able to incorporate your own thoughts on what really happened behind the smokescreen JYPe put on Jay's leaving and weaving it in with the official explanations while not making it far-fetched. It really pulled me into the story.
Originality/Creativity - 14/15
I have to say that this story is a very mixed bag in the originality department. There were bits where I was absolutely amazed by the twists and hilarious scenes and bits where I cringed at the overused ideas. But in all honesty, they didn't really matter until I went back and read it again.
You have some really creative lines there and I really liked the subtle comic relief scenes because in general, this fic is very serious.
Flow - 8/10
In the technical aspects, this fic made a lot of sense and connected each scene together smoothly. Some of the slight foreshadowing was nice too.
I would say that the speed of everything that was happening was a little weird though. In the beginning, I felt that progress was going to slowly while Jay and the OC's relationship seems to be moving too quickly. It seemed a little out of character.
Taecyeon's role in this story seems to be moving very quickly and his "crush" seems to have developed a little too fast.
Nickhun's relationship with the OC was definitely the best. From the beginning to end, I can understand why everything's happening and they are both very in character the whole time. I especially like how they were slowly becoming friends but then you pulled them apart with the OC and Jay's relationship coming out in the 2PM dorms.
But what happened to Josh? I think it'd be better if you gave him some more story time, after all, managers play a pretty big role in celebrity lives.
The quickness of 2PM's forgiveness could be viewed in two ways: good or bad. It really depends on the reader's personality, but I don't think that there's enough drama.
Main Characters - 4/5
OC (Aria) : Aria has a well thought out personality that is quite complex! I really like it because many people will be able to relate to her feelings and thoughts. I also like how you introduced her bulimic condition and how it became a key factor to the development of her relationship with Nickhun.
Jay - Nickhun - Taecyeon : Why did I put them together? It's because I honestly am not sure who's the actual main character so I'm going to go with all three of them. Their personalities are, like Aria, very well done and also realistic compared to what we see on television. When you wrote Nickhun, I went back to watch 2PM shows and literally went, what if he isn't actually like that?
Taecyeon seems like the typical nice guy here but you added some little twists and it was great!
Jay? What can I say, you incorporated AOM, his tendency to not think things through, etc etc etc!
Other Characters' Roles - 3/5
As I said before, you should think about adding a few more characters to the story. Although the supporting characters have very little story time, you have made good use of it and I'm thinking that you're going to add U-Kiss? I noticed that you gave them more dialogue and stuff during the Foreigners' Picnic.
The other members of 2PM don't have a lot of time in the story but, you're still able to give them a complex and realistic personality and relationship with Aria!
I especially loved the two Jun brothers' descriptions.
Character Introductions - 5/5
All the characters were introduced differently and unlike the normal introduce to each other way! I love it! Especially in the beginning where Aria's learning about 2PM with Josh.
Grammar - 5/5
Not much to say here. The present tense way of writing was really cool. Honestly, I'm not too interested in how good your grammar is in a fanfiction. If there are any noticeable mistakes,
I would point them out but there are none and as long as the story isn't obstructed by too many mistakes, it's fine.
Vocabulary - 5/5
The vocabulary used is very diverse and still easy enough for the average twelve year old to read. I think that you did a great job and weren't trying too hard with it. It's great.
Dialogue to narration ratio - 3/5
The story is mostly explained through descriptive narration and thoughts but some less exciting parts could use more dialogue.
ex. I'll use Chapter 15, Foreigners' Party as the example.
"The basic idea is that 2PM is going to handpick some.... I beg to differ."
The whole paragraph could be explained by someone instead of Aria thinking about it because I really just skipped over it the first time.
As they're making the dumplings and stuff, instead of having Aria narrate, you could have her hear them talk.
"Filming today took especially long, but I have to admit, it was fun...Junsu with a murmured “I’ll be right back” and walk over to him."
You could add a lot more dialogue and content into that part too. The chapter is titled Foreigners' Party but we never got to see a lot of the actual party. Love the Dongho part though!
Overall Interest - 14/15
The story was very nice and made very good reading. I eagerly await more updates but there are some parts where you could improve!
Bonus (Poster, formatting, concept, personal enjoyment) - 4/5
The poster is really awesome, expressing the story well and very pretty. For some reason, the girl looks like FT Island's Seunghyun when crossdressing to me though, haha.
Formatting is clear and easy to read. Concept was well-done although is going slightly off-topic. Loved the Jay Park-ness, he's my 2PM bias. Good job with the realist descriptions and incorporating your own views into the story. It's like ranting on a blog... only in a story!
Other Comments -
Hope this meets your expectations! I saw that the other reviewers all gave you super high scores after I typed all of this... xD Oops? Update soon! :D I hope you take this seriously ~ ^^
TOTAL SCORE: 81/95 or app. 85.2%
- Current Mood: accomplished
- Current Music:4 Ya' Stereo - MBLAQ
I wonder why...Oh yeah! It's because some IDIOT stole my iPhone 4
How do you promote livejournal accounts anyways?
I'm stuck at that!
800+ followers on twitter, 14 followers on tumblr and 5+ friends on lj...
Like 2 on Formspring and 2 long forgotten Myspaces...
What was I going to write again?
Oh yeah! :D
I'm so busy nowadays... This is like so weird, random thoughts journal now..
Wonder who's interested in reading it?
I'm way way way bored though! :D
I also have a wordpress, blogspot, and spaces.live but I rarely use these blog thingies..
It's because I don't have a laptop anymore so I'm reduced to phones
and since it's annoying to type on Nokia x3-02 smarties...
Also...Generally, I don't like annoying people.
But what can be annoying about someone I don't know?
Well...If they prattle on about themselves and themselves is annoying, if they talk about things
they don't understand and keep offending others for no reason, etc etc.
I'm pretty picky you could say.
Recently though, I've been COMPLETELY obsessed with AsianFanFics.Com.
Why? Because it's me and I'm easily obsessed with things.
New favourite kPop bands are debuting everywhere though!
I'm too tired and ... yeah.
Haha, I don't know what to say right now but I'll probably remember some long lost topic some time in
the future. Wait for more posts!
- Current Mood: aggravated
- Current Music:BEAST - Bad Girl
The title does everything it should and seems to be well though out.
You got all the technical stuff down but it doesn't have the ability to make people want to click it immediately.
You have a really good banner which is good.
The format of your story is also done so that readers have a really easy time reading it.
But, I suggest that you don't put Author's Notes in the middle of the story,
usually, it's better to put it at the beginning and end of fanfictions.
It's better to put a horizontal line which can be found on the top right corner of
you Add Chapter place instead of adding in "~"
I cannot grade your foreward and introduction because you didn't write
one but I do suggest that you do so for future stories.
Forewards and introductions are like prologues and the backs of novel and books.
These serve as good ways to make up for lacking titles
and can get readers to want to read your story more if done well.
You can check Makichan's www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/3417/ple
The plot was okay with a few faults here and there.
First of all, for a one-shot, it was way to cluttered. The cluttering slowed down the story
needlessly and is something you should take notice of. For example, skim past a lot of the first part
of the one-shot and especially the part where Tae Bi's practicing.
You skimmed past some other parts too quickly too, like how Tae BI suddenly goes
to Teen Top's dance room and stuff. IF you were going to do that, you should've explained it but
I would just say that Tae Bi was introduced to Teen Top by Chanjo, loved them, etc.
But then again, I was confused by how Tae Bi was in the same school as Chanjo in the first place.
Things like this really interrupted the flow of the plot although the story itself was well thought out.
Another problem was how you kept on skipping ahead in times.
Honestly, I didn't like that. It really confused me at times and sort of bored me even though
the story itself was pretty good.
Other than that, good job.
The main characters of your story were really well done.
They fit in well with each other and kept the plot going.
What I didn't like was the many, sorry but useless, secondary characters.
For a one-shot, this many characters was really unneccessary.
A really big problem was that you gave them all a few lines.
This was the main reason for the cluttered plot too.
You added in Chanjo, SHINee, and the audition judges which meant
that you had to slow down the plot and explain many things.
Again, you could have just deleted many of the dialogue and put it in the narration.
I've seen many stories like this with similar school to fame settings and evil bitches.
But you kind of made up for that with an unusual main character and her best friend.
I don't think it's very original, but then again, I can't represent the whole population.
Someone who has read less fanfictions would probably
find the main character, Tae BI, very refreshing and they would probably give you a higher mark.
This is my opinion though and the unusual main character really doesn't do much for me especially so
at the end with the dancing and stuff.
I didn't find any obvious spelling mistakes and you used a variety of words which was good.
There were some problems with your grammar though.
Like in the beginning when Eunsung says "Today is the...Fourth.... you'd get chosen,"
Here, it should be "you'll" instead of "you'd" and there should be a period instead of a comma at the end.
Other times, you mix up where and was and similar mistakes throughout the story.
Another problem would be the abuse and overuse of the comma.
For example: "The receptionist smiled, and asked if they were both wanting to register."
You don't need the comma there at all and there were similar misplacements throughout the story.
Here: The others shrug, standing up to meet their manager that just walked in.
You should've written "The others shrugged and stood up to meet their manager who just walked in"
We get to another problem here which is that you switched between past and present tense
a few times throughout the story. Many people make the same mistake and I would honestly just suggest
reading through the story a couple of times. These type of mistakes are usually easier spotted on paper though.
Also, you make a few mistakes like that for who a few times too.
Let me add that the manager was a little unneeded here too. You could have dleleted
the whole scene with SHINee here since it's a one-shot.
Overally Enjoyment 12/15:
I enjoyed certain parts of the story, like when Minho went to tell Tae Bi
that she was picked a lot.
But there were some parts where I really wanted to do something else.
All in all, this was a very enjoyable one-shot! Or two-shot?
Letting him die in his sleep would be better since honestly?
It would be painful to say goodbye and face your own death,
I wouldn't want to make my partner feel the fear and pain.
April 12, 2011 - 0:47 AM
So what should I talk about now? I don't want to talk about the past anymore. Talking about the past always gives me a weird feeling in the chest, like someone's poking your skin from the inside. Well the present was pretty interesting...or should I talk about March Break? I say was because it happened a couple of hours ago and is not happening now.
So on April 11, 2011 I went to North Toronto Senior High (What is it actually called?) to take a test to get into the Enriched Math Courses, in America AP Math and in China Shi Yan Ban. I went to my dad's office to pick up my report cards and left for the school. I really don't like the secretaries there!
April 12, 2011 - 11:57
To continue, I took the stupid entrance exam, met Meghan, went home and here I am at school the next day. I swear I hate my homeroom teacher so much. He makes me go to detention for taking pity on others and letting them copy my work and then he makes me come again because other people were talking? I really hate him...except he's too awesome most of the time.
I've made a new acronym for netizens! Wanna hear it? Okay, here it goes. FMGDFUL. Got it? Good because it mean F my god d@mned f-ed up life..and here I laugh.
My favourite food as I hope you all will remember is onigiri, especially unagi onigiri and mint chocolate! If I could eat onigiri every meal of my life I would, but unfortunately I can only get it three meals a week. Some people might say that that's good since I won't get annoyed from eating it everyday but I beg to differ! I had the same thing everyday for all two meals I had last year when I was living at the school dorms in Beijing! Let's just say that I still love Oreo cookies and Chinese yogurt!
...Oh look! A thug-like guy just walked past! Hmmm..what is that lovely pink object on his back? Laugh now at the image fail, but there's a pink "I love Barbie" badge on the wrecked-image-thug-like-guy's backpack!
Yeah...are you wondering where I am since I'm able to see such wonderful sights? Here's a riddle for you! It rhymes with One Way, smells during the summer in Manhattan and is usually full of students when they want to go to school or home!
You got it! I'm on the subway, only this is the TTC's subway so it's kind of funny to be on. I always see random drunks, hot emos, aegyo Korean unnies going "Annyeong Hyunwook oppa!", etc. etc. etc. Yes, I actually do know a guy called Choi Hyunwook! He's not like Wonnie, Kyu or Wookie oppa though he's still awesome in his own epic way! Right? Eh, to be honest he kind of, sort of annoys me in the sense that one second he hates me, the next he doesn't!
Oh I do hate my six year old namdongsaeng...
Don't worry, it's a sibling hate so I don't actually hate him, he just annoys me like worms annoy sparrows! But I won't eat him, I'm not a cannibal.
I also hate my grandfather-in-law, he's my uncle's wife's dad and we aren't blood related or even mildly related so I can insult his bloodline! Yes! But seriously, I hate him like recluses hate the public! I don't like going out in public too though... Everyone gasp! Am I a recluse?
Well I never was good at writing stuff like this so ... Oops?
Yeah so I'll talk about the school I went to in grade 2, 4 and 5. It's called Allenby Junior Public School and it's a rich school with 90% Europeans, Russians, Americans or to sum it up, a white school with the rest being Asian or black. It's funny that I went there because my second best friend after moving away from the North-East part of the city to closer to downtown was called Su-bin Lee or Lee Soo Bin. I don't know why I always seemed to make Korean friends when I was younger, it's not like I knew many Koreans. My first "best friend" was a girl called Helen Park and yes, she was Korean too. The memory I remember about Allenby very clearly to this day would be when I got in trouble for poking another guy in my class to give me back my money. I don't understand why I got in trouble just because he started fake crying, maybe the teacher had a sexual relationship with the poor seven year old? Okay, sorry, that's just vulgar. But I honestly was really hurt because the teacher embarrassed me in front of the class, gave the boy a free period and he was laughing at me as soon as the teacher turned her back on the class! No tears anywhere! This type of thing happened to me a lot back when I was younger and stupid. Like in first grade when I got in trouble by the "mini-teacher", a second grader who watched over us when the teacher was gone since we were a 1/2 split class, because I helped her pick her pencil up. Let's just say that my teacher liked to make kids write lines and stay inside for recess and I was really mad.
It happened in third grade twice when I was in the States, stuff like getting blamed for other people's mistakes and stuff.
Speaking of the States, when I was there I learned my first swear word which to this day I don't like to use. I read it in the Chronicles of Narnia and it was used to describe donkeys.
By the way, I'm debating dragging my mum back from Beijing right now, I don't care if she can earn more money there! It's not like Lenovo has an agreement with Randy..but that's another story for another time.
So donkeys, I was just looking for rhymes during art class with the people at my table to find a nickname for the guy in our group and I, being the Smartie I am, decided that looking for words that rhyme with mass would be easier if we started from the beginning of the alphabet. So you know what happened? The kid said I called him a bad word and hauled apricot over to the art teacher and told her that I called him an apricot. I didn't even know what it meant! The teacher asked me if I had called him an apricot and I'm like, Yes but it's not a bad word! They used it in the books of the Chronicles of Narnia! Nevertheless, she gave me detention, put that I tell lies on my report card and made me sit by myself. Stupid eggplant.
Did I mention how much I miss my mom? I miss Khosin eomma but I really do miss my mom. I don't like my dad, I don't like my brother, I don't like the stupid fruit cake she put in charge and I don't like life in general. I miss Twitter too!
Remember Li Tian? Well, he's got a smart and gorgeous girlfriend whom I really like, he himself is a top student in the school, and he wants me to teach him English. I realised last year that I'm just a tool for him though...haha that's what she said? The guy really makes me mad and that's why I decided last year that I won't ever marry or have kids! Kids are stupid, marriage is stupid, people are stupid and love is stupid. Is love even real? The world's too superficial to know right?
When I grow up, I want to be a successful business woman in the land of computers and have lots of money! Yes, that's my goal and I won't be on social sites as much. I will wait until after Super Show 4 and quit all my administration positions on Twitter. I'm thinking of making a k-pop forum when I have enough web designing skills though! Hwaiting right?
I should be going now, don't wanna bore everyone!
PS. I really dislike having a cough and warm weather, it makes me cranky and...FML
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- Current Location:Canada, Ontario, Toronto, Lansing